3 thoughts on tomorrow

by Matt MooneyOctober 26, 2010

Today I pulled into a tough-to-find parking place and sought to gather myself.  My mom was inside the deli awaiting my arrival to the planned lunch date.  I did manage to fend it off just long enough to walk the long steps- head down- from my car to the entrance, ordered a sandwich and took a seat.  Then the waves crested higher than the paltry dam I had built in the driver’s seat of my car just moments before.

“I’m sorry.  I’m just sad.  It just happened on the way over.”  I tried to explain, but didn’t need to.  Now, I don’t really prefer to cry in public places such as delis, but, then again, I’ve grown somewhat immune to other people’s awkwardness and truth be told, I don’t ascribe much weight to the thoughts of those I do not know and which my only relation to is that we share affinity for sub sandwiches.

My mother didn’t say much other than she too was sad.  She is wise that way.  And I like to think that maybe some of this part of her seeped into my blood.  There is not much to say when the hope of eternity is shared between two, and we do.  But she knows that I know, and she knows as well that, although I could scarcely breathe without such hope, it is not where I am looking today.

I am looking at my wife whose eyes grow heavy when the leaves fall, as if whatever falls them weighs on her as well.  I am looking at my two bedroom house and thinking that my whole family should not be able to fit comfortably inside it.  I am looking at Anders and at Hazel, who only know him through pictures.

Tomorrow my wife turns 31 and it marks 4 years since Eliot walked where I could not follow.

——————————————————————-

I have recently become aware of the fact that I live in such a way as to not let him down.  I realize this must seem a bit strange, as he was an infant, but it’s true.  Maybe such a notion is common in grief, I am not sure; maybe it is a unique quirk of my own- Lord knows I have plenty.  But I don’t want to fail him.  Feel free to chalk this portion up as a part of the blog that is more my diary and less a topic for discussion if I happen to see you, but I’ve thought about failure a lot lately.  I, in no way need or deserve sympathy, and my family has more than we know what to do with.  But as I have recently launched out into a sort of unknown in my professional life, I have had the opportunity to more than glance at the reality of failure.

I have not earned a paycheck in over two months.  Now, this is totally my doing and God has provided for us in unspeakable ways.  I have also recently taken a part-time executive director role with 99 Balloons which is not currently funded but will be soon- if it’s supposed to be.  Exciting and scary pretty much covers it.

I have spent a significant amount of time on a book about our experience with Eliot that, honestly, may never see the light of day.  And yet I know I am better for the journey, having had to put it on paper before I could see it all in its vastness and beauty.

People will still, quite often, point out what a great person I am in light of our story with Eliot, and I just want to hit them -or at least shake them from their slumber.  Everyone is looking for a hero, but I’m not him.  Nope, I am the guy struggling to keep up appearances- desperate to be more than I am.

Somehow all of it adds up to this:  I want to be worthy of being his dad, and I know I am not.  I think this must be the effect that a miracle has on its recipient.

——————————————————————-

Along the way in these last four years, many of you have asked if & how you can help with our efforts with 99 Balloons and we have replied with only empty stares.  Well, because you have asked, we are currently, for the first time, attempting to raise funds.  Since I happen to be the most skeptical of us all, I will assure you that these funds are not for my paycheck;  our Board of Directors has committed to raising that portion.  Thus, I am left to raise funds for the activities and vision we are trying live out.

We have come up with a simple & creative way to join with us as we seek to raise the stature of special needs children locally & globally.  We’re asking folks to rethink their Christmas cards & do some good this holiday season.

disCARD Christmas

We would love you to join with us and help us spread the word.  Thanks for all of your encouragement and kind words over the last four years.

10 Comments

  1. Kim Watkins on October 26, 2010 at 4:44 pm

    I must have been sitting at my computer as you posted this. I’ve been thinking about You, and Ginny and Eliot this week. And last week. Hugs.



  2. Joy on October 26, 2010 at 6:35 pm

    none of us are worthy. such a daily struggle.

    love you guys so so much. i wish there was a way to articulate what my heart feels. hugging you both through the computer right now.



  3. Scott on October 26, 2010 at 8:49 pm

    Matt,
    I resonate with your words today. I feel sad in the Autum a bit as well. My loss is different and took place many many years ago but for some reason it creeps back a bit. We love you both and am praying for you right now. Thanks for your words. Don’t worry you’re not my hero just my friend…and for that I am thankful. Blessings.



  4. Tamara on October 26, 2010 at 8:51 pm

    We love you all and I for one am queen of the awkward, wordless moments, but I pray for you all often and am so honored to be your friEnds- Eliot has impacted all of us and our relationships with each other and the Lord in ways we will never be able to fully express-



  5. Heather on October 26, 2010 at 9:15 pm

    Prayers being said, can’t imagine the yearning you both must be feeling for your first born. Your family and your son will always hold a special place in my heart.

    We all fall short, we all aren’t good enough. We all don’t truly understand the unmeasureable grace of God. We all are keeping up appearances, we all are wearing an earthly mask. We all won’t be worthy and we all won’t be fully realized until we are in our eternal home.



  6. Mommy_of_YaDa on October 29, 2010 at 10:51 am

    Missing Eliot with you!



Today I pulled into a tough-to-find parking place and sought to gather myself.  My mom was inside the deli awaiting my arrival to the planned lunch date.  I did manage to fend it off just long enough to walk the long steps- head down- from my car to the entrance, ordered a sandwich and took a seat.  Then the waves crested higher than the paltry dam I had built in the driver’s seat of my car just moments before.

“I’m sorry.  I’m just sad.  It just happened on the way over.”  I tried to explain, but didn’t need to.  Now, I don’t really prefer to cry in public places such as delis, but, then again, I’ve grown somewhat immune to other people’s awkwardness and truth be told, I don’t ascribe much weight to the thoughts of those I do not know and which my only relation to is that we share affinity for sub sandwiches.

My mother didn’t say much other than she too was sad.  She is wise that way.  And I like to think that maybe some of this part of her seeped into my blood.  There is not much to say when the hope of eternity is shared between two, and we do.  But she knows that I know, and she knows as well that, although I could scarcely breathe without such hope, it is not where I am looking today.

I am looking at my wife whose eyes grow heavy when the leaves fall, as if whatever falls them weighs on her as well.  I am looking at my two bedroom house and thinking that my whole family should not be able to fit comfortably inside it.  I am looking at Anders and at Hazel, who only know him through pictures.

Tomorrow my wife turns 31 and it marks 4 years since Eliot walked where I could not follow.

——————————————————————-

I have recently become aware of the fact that I live in such a way as to not let him down.  I realize this must seem a bit strange, as he was an infant, but it’s true.  Maybe such a notion is common in grief, I am not sure; maybe it is a unique quirk of my own- Lord knows I have plenty.  But I don’t want to fail him.  Feel free to chalk this portion up as a part of the blog that is more my diary and less a topic for discussion if I happen to see you, but I’ve thought about failure a lot lately.  I, in no way need or deserve sympathy, and my family has more than we know what to do with.  But as I have recently launched out into a sort of unknown in my professional life, I have had the opportunity to more than glance at the reality of failure.

I have not earned a paycheck in over two months.  Now, this is totally my doing and God has provided for us in unspeakable ways.  I have also recently taken a part-time executive director role with 99 Balloons which is not currently funded but will be soon- if it’s supposed to be.  Exciting and scary pretty much covers it.

I have spent a significant amount of time on a book about our experience with Eliot that, honestly, may never see the light of day.  And yet I know I am better for the journey, having had to put it on paper before I could see it all in its vastness and beauty.

People will still, quite often, point out what a great person I am in light of our story with Eliot, and I just want to hit them -or at least shake them from their slumber.  Everyone is looking for a hero, but I’m not him.  Nope, I am the guy struggling to keep up appearances- desperate to be more than I am.

Somehow all of it adds up to this:  I want to be worthy of being his dad, and I know I am not.  I think this must be the effect that a miracle has on its recipient.

——————————————————————-

Along the way in these last four years, many of you have asked if & how you can help with our efforts with 99 Balloons and we have replied with only empty stares.  Well, because you have asked, we are currently, for the first time, attempting to raise funds.  Since I happen to be the most skeptical of us all, I will assure you that these funds are not for my paycheck;  our Board of Directors has committed to raising that portion.  Thus, I am left to raise funds for the activities and vision we are trying live out.

We have come up with a simple & creative way to join with us as we seek to raise the stature of special needs children locally & globally.  We’re asking folks to rethink their Christmas cards & do some good this holiday season.

disCARD Christmas

We would love you to join with us and help us spread the word.  Thanks for all of your encouragement and kind words over the last four years.

10 Comments

  1. Kim Watkins on October 26, 2010 at 4:44 pm

    I must have been sitting at my computer as you posted this. I’ve been thinking about You, and Ginny and Eliot this week. And last week. Hugs.



  2. Joy on October 26, 2010 at 6:35 pm

    none of us are worthy. such a daily struggle.

    love you guys so so much. i wish there was a way to articulate what my heart feels. hugging you both through the computer right now.



  3. Scott on October 26, 2010 at 8:49 pm

    Matt,
    I resonate with your words today. I feel sad in the Autum a bit as well. My loss is different and took place many many years ago but for some reason it creeps back a bit. We love you both and am praying for you right now. Thanks for your words. Don’t worry you’re not my hero just my friend…and for that I am thankful. Blessings.



  4. Tamara on October 26, 2010 at 8:51 pm

    We love you all and I for one am queen of the awkward, wordless moments, but I pray for you all often and am so honored to be your friEnds- Eliot has impacted all of us and our relationships with each other and the Lord in ways we will never be able to fully express-



  5. Heather on October 26, 2010 at 9:15 pm

    Prayers being said, can’t imagine the yearning you both must be feeling for your first born. Your family and your son will always hold a special place in my heart.

    We all fall short, we all aren’t good enough. We all don’t truly understand the unmeasureable grace of God. We all are keeping up appearances, we all are wearing an earthly mask. We all won’t be worthy and we all won’t be fully realized until we are in our eternal home.



  6. Mommy_of_YaDa on October 29, 2010 at 10:51 am

    Missing Eliot with you!