the turning of a page

by Matt MooneyMay 6, 2010

Anders is 99 days today.  This demarcation obviously carries weight in our home.  Do we celebrate or do we cry?  Well, as seems always to be the case, probably both- honestly.

The page is turned today whereby we are no longer able to contextualize Anders’ life in terms of Eliot’s.  Having been able to do the compare/contrast thing that all parents do with their children, we now enter an era where we can only wonder what Eliot would have been like at the point in time where Anders lives.

Anders would tower over his brother if they could somehow both be here on their 99th day.  All 3 of them together would be quite a site.

On our trip to New York I accidentally stumbled upon letters that Ginny had written to our children- having packed the wrong black journal for the trip.  I finally opened it and discovered my blunder in some Manhattan espresso shop, meaning to write down some thoughts, but finding myself on holy ground instead.  If you have children, I encourage you to write letters to them.  Just tell them all the stuff you want to say or maybe just document what you did that day, your hopes for them, the areas your falling short but hoping to be better.

Maybe one day, Ginny will let me put some on here, and, truth is, they wouldn’t mean half as much to you as they do to me.  But I thought I would follow her lead and tell Anders some things I know he cannot understand today, but that I hope he one day will.

___________________________________

Anders,

Today you are 99 days old.  This is a special day in your life for your mom and dad.  We celebrate every moment that we have had you, and we do not take tomorrow for granted, although, we desperately hope to have it.

You are such a charmer.  While the circumstances surrounding you have been quite wild even before you arrived, and especially now with hurricane Hazel that always orbits near her “Andy”- you have been a calming presence, patiently waiting for attention until it comes your way.  Thank you for sleeping so good.

I am sorry that I have not gotten as much time with you as I would have hoped for.  Mom just has some assets that require you guys to be close, but my time is in the wings and it cannot come soon enough.

On this day and every one after, I want to tell you of your brother.  I want you to know him as best you can- not as a faint dream, but as a real part of your life.  I want you to hear how I love him and I miss him, and I want to you to be able to explain what Trisomy 18 is.  I want you to know that his fists were clinched and his ear was peculiar- and perfect.

I want you to see, to hear a deep pain as I recount to you the precious moments that comprise his life.  And right there beside the pain, I want you to see the blinding light of hope and joy.  If you don’t see it, you have not truly heard the story.

In every syllable, in every picture I hold, I want you to see the love that I have for your brother; and I want you to understand that it is the same love that I have for you- for your moments, for the birthmark on the back of your head, for the way you laugh at your mom’s singing.

Today is a day we cannot take for granted.

Happy 99 days, son.

446 Comments

  1. Chris Milbrandt on May 6, 2010 at 1:05 pm

    my heart hurts and celebrates with you So much alike in the way we have chosen to remember them. I love that connection. (do you get tired of hearing that?)

    thank you again and again for being a voice and a face for those of us who are walking with you.
    .-= Chris Milbrandt´s last blog ..Look what she did… =-.

  2. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by ginnymooney, Jessica Beel. Jessica Beel said: Makes your heart cry a little. the turning of a page – http://b2l.me/s49kn (via @mattmooney) […]

  3. shelly @naptime notes on May 6, 2010 at 2:26 pm

    Beautiful!

    Celebrating & crying here to too!

  4. Leasha on May 6, 2010 at 10:05 pm

    Drink. It. In!

    It is so funny,parents such as those who have lost and and gone on to be parents again, have numbers burned into their hearts. They are days, a period of time, a number their family should be and it is a markings of time and such. It is a symbol a branding of pain, loss and a milestone to break, smash and to celebrate over. I have those numbers too, they are bitter sweet.

    Thanks for spilling my thoughts on to paper so well.

  5. Nora Dalasta on May 7, 2010 at 9:10 pm

    Wow. I ended up on your blog after reading another woman’s blog on infertility and she mentioned your inspiring story and, well, Google did the rest. A good friend of mine has had 2 miscarriages and a stillbirth and in an effort to navigate the pain and loss she wrote a book. I don’t know but you might like it. It’s touching, funny, and ultimately inspiring. Thanks so much for sharing your incredible story with the blogosphere…

  6. Mitch on May 8, 2010 at 8:28 am

    When I get gloomy, I watch 99 balloons. Thank you for reminding me how life is good. Much love to you and your family!!!!

  7. Erin From NY! on May 11, 2010 at 6:25 pm

    i have journals that i write to my children in. THey each have their own. Sometimes i write about a trip or something that we did. I write on birthday, holidays, and days that i feel so overwhelmingly blessed and full of love that i have to write it all down for them to read. I write about the good times, the bad times, the joys and the struggles. I plan on giving each child their journals when they have their first child. Only then will they be able to feel the feelings that i felt when i started their journals.

    Elliot will always have a special place in my heart. Always.

    • Matt on May 11, 2010 at 9:10 pm

      That is such a great idea. Thanks, Erin.

  8. Heather on May 13, 2010 at 11:32 am

    What a wonderful blessing to celebrate day 100 with Anders. May you and Ginny enjoy these special memories with your little guy.

  9. […] For the full letter I referenced from Eliot’s dad from his blog last week, click here. […]

  10. Lisa on June 30, 2010 at 9:35 pm

    I’m going to start writing for my kids. Journals for them both.
    Our oldest is Bennett. He has Tetrasomy 18p and his birthday is July 19- is that the day before Eliot’s? I don’ think he will be able to read the journal ever but his 3 month old brother Brice will someday be able to read it and understand what his brother means to us. Maybe this will help Brice to love his brother well and not feel as weary when we are not here to take care of Bennett. I love your writing and every time I read I weep. I weep for you. I’m so sorry you are hurting. I have not lost my child to death but I grieve for him in other ways. Thanks for sharing your beautiful heart.

    • Matt on July 1, 2010 at 8:55 am

      Yes, that is the day before Eliot’s. I think your idea for writing is a great one, and I bet it does you good as well; it is always helpful to work through things and have to put on paper my thoughts. I understand your “grief in other ways”. That is a good way to describe it. Thanks for checking in.

  11. Lisa on July 8, 2010 at 3:41 am

    OH, I sent you an email to your yahoo account about voting for the chromosome 18 registry to win 20,000 for research. They are really in the running. Sounds promising. Only four days left to vote. Maybe people will vote in memory of Eliot! Here’s the link. Let me know if it doesn’t work. (email me at the address above if you don’t mind)
    http://apps.facebook.com/chasecommunitygiving/charities/742557551-chromosome-18-registry-and-research-society?src=charity-details-wall-post-self&ref=mf

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  270. สล๊อต on August 8, 2021 at 6:58 pm

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  271. พนันบอล on August 8, 2021 at 7:41 pm

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  272. ต้องการมีรายได้แต่ไม่ต้องการที่จะอยากเดินทางไปไหน ต้องการมีรายได้แม้กระนั้นไม่ต้องการลงทุนจำนวนมาก เพราะว่ายุคนี้เป็นยุคที่ใครๆก็จึงควรเซพตัวเอง UFABET ก็เลยได้เก็บรวบรวมเกมออนไลน์ไว้ล้นหลามเพื่อคุณได้ทำเงินสร้างรายได้แบบง่ายๆทั้งบาคาร่า แทงบอล สล็อต

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  274. แทงบอลออนไลน์ on August 9, 2021 at 1:49 am

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  275. ยูฟ่าเบท on August 9, 2021 at 3:52 am

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  276. ยูฟ่าเบท on August 9, 2021 at 5:22 am

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  277. LisaMew on August 9, 2021 at 11:43 am
  278. บาคาร่า on August 9, 2021 at 11:47 am

    คราวแรกที่เข้ามาที่ UFABET เห็นด้วยเลยครับผมว่าเสียวๆฮ่าๆแม้กระนั้นพอเพียงซักพักเริ่มชอบใจนะครับเพราะว่าเค้าจ่ายจริง ไม่มีคดโกงขอรับที่สำคัญที่ผมถูกใจคือระบบเค้าดีครับผม เข้าใจง่ายด้วย ยิ่งระบบฝากถอนใช้แบบอัตโนมัติ ผมว่าสบายมากมายๆฝากถอนแบบไม่มีขั้นต่ำ ไม่ต้องผ่านตัวแทน ทำเองได้เลย

  279. การพนันบอล on August 9, 2021 at 12:16 pm

    UFABET คาสิโนออนไลน์เล่นง่ายได้เงินง่ายเพียงปลายนิ้วสัมผัส ใช่แล้วนะครับพวกเรามาอยู่ในสมัยที่เรียกว่าใช้นิ้วเขี่ยๆโทรศัพท์ก็ได้เงิน ด้วยเหตุว่าคาสิโนออนไลน์เป็นศูนย์รวมของเกมออนไลน์ต้องการเล่นแบบไหนมีหมด ทำเงินได้ไม่ยากสะดวกเร็วปลอดภัยสุดๆนะครับ

  280. รับแทงบอล on August 9, 2021 at 12:52 pm

    เมื่อโลกเปลี่ยนไปแนวทางการหารายได้ด้วยการพนันบอลจึงง่ายขึ้นแล้วก็สบายขึ้นกล่าวได้ว่าตอบโจทย์การใช้ชีวิตของคนในปัจจุบัน UFABET ได้รวบๆการแทงบอลทุกรูปแบบไว้ในเว็บไซต์ไว้ทั้งปวง ไม่ว่าจะเป็นบอลสด บอลโดดเดี่ยว บอลสเต็ป รวมทั้งใช้ระบบฝากถอนอัตโนมัติด้วยนะครับ

  281. ดูบอลออนไลน์ on August 9, 2021 at 2:00 pm

    ยุคนี้อะไรที่ง่ายสบายและไม่เป็นอันตรายย่อมดีมากยิ่งกว่าเสมอ พนันบอลก็เช่นเดียวกัน สมัยปัจจุบันนี้ ยุคนี้จำเป็นต้องพนันบอลออนไลน์แค่นั้น UFABET เว็บไซต์แทงบอลออนไลน์ที่เก็บเก็บเกมคาสิโนไว้มากมาย ค้ำประกันความน่าไว้วางใจ จ่ายจริงควรต้อง UFABET

  282. แทงบอล on August 9, 2021 at 4:17 pm

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  283. ทีแรกๆผมว่าเว็บไหนก็แบบเดียวกัน เพราะเหตุว่าเข้าไปก็พบเกมเดิมๆแม้กระนั้นเอาเข้าจริงๆมันแตกต่างกันขอรับ ยิ่งเว็บไหนที่เวลาฝากถอนต้องผ่านพนักงานอันนี้ผมเกลียดชังสุดเลย เสียเวล่ำเวลา ส่วนตัวผมว่า UFABET ดีสุดเลยครับ เค้าใช้ระบบอัตโนมัติ

  284. ฟรีเคดิต on August 9, 2021 at 6:34 pm

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  285. ดูบอล on August 9, 2021 at 6:47 pm

    เเล่นบาคาร่าออนไลน์ได้ไม่ยากเพียงแต่เข้ามาที่ UFABET กดเข้าหน้าสมัครก็สารมารถทำเงินได้ในทันที เราเป็นคาสิโนออนไลน์ที่เยี่ยมที่สุด ระบบใช้งานง่ายเป็นมีทีมงานรอคอยให้คำปรึกษาแล้วก็แนะนำถ้าหากเกิดปัญหา บริการคืนดีกันเอง จะเล่นพันออนไลน์ทั้งทีจำเป็นจะต้องUFABET

  286. ลิ้งดูบอล on August 9, 2021 at 11:29 pm

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  287. พนันออนไลน์ on August 9, 2021 at 11:35 pm

    รู้เรื่องครับว่ากระแสพนันออนไลน์ก็แรงอยู่ แต่ว่าเอาจริงๆหากว่าเราเล่นแบบมีสติสัมปชัญญะ เวลานี้ถือได้ว่าเป็นวิธีการที่ทำเงินเจริญทีเดียวครับผม ปัจจุบันผมก็ได้ผลกำไรมา 4 หลัก ยังตื่นเต้นไม่หายเลยจ้ะครับ เพราะว่าเคยรู้สึกว่ามันน่าสยดสยองยังไง เว็บไซต์จ่ายจริงผมเสนอแนะUFABET ครับ

  288. UFABET on August 10, 2021 at 1:04 am

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  289. พนันบอล on August 10, 2021 at 2:32 am

    UFABET เว็บไซต์แทงบอลออนไล์ที่สามารถพูดได้ว่าเยี่ยมสุดในตอนนี้เลยก็ได้ด้วยความที่เป็นเว็บไซต์ที่ถูกกล่าวถึงเยอะมากบนโลกออนไลน์ ในด้านการเงินได้รับการยินยอมรับแล้วว่ามีความยั่งยืนและมั่นคงสูง รวมทั้งยังมีการปรับปรุงระบบอยู่ตลอดเพื่อให้สมาชิกได้เข้าใช้งานอย่างไม่มีสะดุดเลยครับผม

  290. บาคาร่า on August 10, 2021 at 4:29 am

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Anders is 99 days today.  This demarcation obviously carries weight in our home.  Do we celebrate or do we cry?  Well, as seems always to be the case, probably both- honestly.

The page is turned today whereby we are no longer able to contextualize Anders’ life in terms of Eliot’s.  Having been able to do the compare/contrast thing that all parents do with their children, we now enter an era where we can only wonder what Eliot would have been like at the point in time where Anders lives.

Anders would tower over his brother if they could somehow both be here on their 99th day.  All 3 of them together would be quite a site.

On our trip to New York I accidentally stumbled upon letters that Ginny had written to our children- having packed the wrong black journal for the trip.  I finally opened it and discovered my blunder in some Manhattan espresso shop, meaning to write down some thoughts, but finding myself on holy ground instead.  If you have children, I encourage you to write letters to them.  Just tell them all the stuff you want to say or maybe just document what you did that day, your hopes for them, the areas your falling short but hoping to be better.

Maybe one day, Ginny will let me put some on here, and, truth is, they wouldn’t mean half as much to you as they do to me.  But I thought I would follow her lead and tell Anders some things I know he cannot understand today, but that I hope he one day will.

___________________________________

Anders,

Today you are 99 days old.  This is a special day in your life for your mom and dad.  We celebrate every moment that we have had you, and we do not take tomorrow for granted, although, we desperately hope to have it.

You are such a charmer.  While the circumstances surrounding you have been quite wild even before you arrived, and especially now with hurricane Hazel that always orbits near her “Andy”- you have been a calming presence, patiently waiting for attention until it comes your way.  Thank you for sleeping so good.

I am sorry that I have not gotten as much time with you as I would have hoped for.  Mom just has some assets that require you guys to be close, but my time is in the wings and it cannot come soon enough.

On this day and every one after, I want to tell you of your brother.  I want you to know him as best you can- not as a faint dream, but as a real part of your life.  I want you to hear how I love him and I miss him, and I want to you to be able to explain what Trisomy 18 is.  I want you to know that his fists were clinched and his ear was peculiar- and perfect.

I want you to see, to hear a deep pain as I recount to you the precious moments that comprise his life.  And right there beside the pain, I want you to see the blinding light of hope and joy.  If you don’t see it, you have not truly heard the story.

In every syllable, in every picture I hold, I want you to see the love that I have for your brother; and I want you to understand that it is the same love that I have for you- for your moments, for the birthmark on the back of your head, for the way you laugh at your mom’s singing.

Today is a day we cannot take for granted.

Happy 99 days, son.

446 Comments

  1. Chris Milbrandt on May 6, 2010 at 1:05 pm

    my heart hurts and celebrates with you So much alike in the way we have chosen to remember them. I love that connection. (do you get tired of hearing that?)

    thank you again and again for being a voice and a face for those of us who are walking with you.
    .-= Chris Milbrandt´s last blog ..Look what she did… =-.

  2. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by ginnymooney, Jessica Beel. Jessica Beel said: Makes your heart cry a little. the turning of a page – http://b2l.me/s49kn (via @mattmooney) […]

  3. shelly @naptime notes on May 6, 2010 at 2:26 pm

    Beautiful!

    Celebrating & crying here to too!

  4. Leasha on May 6, 2010 at 10:05 pm

    Drink. It. In!

    It is so funny,parents such as those who have lost and and gone on to be parents again, have numbers burned into their hearts. They are days, a period of time, a number their family should be and it is a markings of time and such. It is a symbol a branding of pain, loss and a milestone to break, smash and to celebrate over. I have those numbers too, they are bitter sweet.

    Thanks for spilling my thoughts on to paper so well.

  5. Nora Dalasta on May 7, 2010 at 9:10 pm

    Wow. I ended up on your blog after reading another woman’s blog on infertility and she mentioned your inspiring story and, well, Google did the rest. A good friend of mine has had 2 miscarriages and a stillbirth and in an effort to navigate the pain and loss she wrote a book. I don’t know but you might like it. It’s touching, funny, and ultimately inspiring. Thanks so much for sharing your incredible story with the blogosphere…

  6. Mitch on May 8, 2010 at 8:28 am

    When I get gloomy, I watch 99 balloons. Thank you for reminding me how life is good. Much love to you and your family!!!!

  7. Erin From NY! on May 11, 2010 at 6:25 pm

    i have journals that i write to my children in. THey each have their own. Sometimes i write about a trip or something that we did. I write on birthday, holidays, and days that i feel so overwhelmingly blessed and full of love that i have to write it all down for them to read. I write about the good times, the bad times, the joys and the struggles. I plan on giving each child their journals when they have their first child. Only then will they be able to feel the feelings that i felt when i started their journals.

    Elliot will always have a special place in my heart. Always.

    • Matt on May 11, 2010 at 9:10 pm

      That is such a great idea. Thanks, Erin.

  8. Heather on May 13, 2010 at 11:32 am

    What a wonderful blessing to celebrate day 100 with Anders. May you and Ginny enjoy these special memories with your little guy.

  9. […] For the full letter I referenced from Eliot’s dad from his blog last week, click here. […]

  10. Lisa on June 30, 2010 at 9:35 pm

    I’m going to start writing for my kids. Journals for them both.
    Our oldest is Bennett. He has Tetrasomy 18p and his birthday is July 19- is that the day before Eliot’s? I don’ think he will be able to read the journal ever but his 3 month old brother Brice will someday be able to read it and understand what his brother means to us. Maybe this will help Brice to love his brother well and not feel as weary when we are not here to take care of Bennett. I love your writing and every time I read I weep. I weep for you. I’m so sorry you are hurting. I have not lost my child to death but I grieve for him in other ways. Thanks for sharing your beautiful heart.

    • Matt on July 1, 2010 at 8:55 am

      Yes, that is the day before Eliot’s. I think your idea for writing is a great one, and I bet it does you good as well; it is always helpful to work through things and have to put on paper my thoughts. I understand your “grief in other ways”. That is a good way to describe it. Thanks for checking in.

  11. Lisa on July 8, 2010 at 3:41 am

    OH, I sent you an email to your yahoo account about voting for the chromosome 18 registry to win 20,000 for research. They are really in the running. Sounds promising. Only four days left to vote. Maybe people will vote in memory of Eliot! Here’s the link. Let me know if it doesn’t work. (email me at the address above if you don’t mind)
    http://apps.facebook.com/chasecommunitygiving/charities/742557551-chromosome-18-registry-and-research-society?src=charity-details-wall-post-self&ref=mf

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