After months upon months of begging Ginny to blog on “our” blog, she has left for greener pastures. She just wanted a simple blog to document the goings on of our little family. I thought that’s what we had. She said she couldn’t blog about cloth diapering on here because people come to our blog expecting to hear about something other than methods of dealing with feces. Well, she may have a point there. It was hard to see her go, but I think it’s best. Maybe she’ll actually write- I hope she does, because I hang on her every word- that is unless it’s about diapers that you don’t throw away. She writes hoping no one sees it. I can’t write a word unless I fool myself into imagining an audience. She cringes at dissension or comments that stray; I aim to slap faces. So, go check out her wise, sweet blog. I’ll be here being me, missin’ her and dreaming of the power-blogging couple we could have been.
orbitofthemooneys.blogspot.com
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I have not been afraid since Eliot left us.
For you still using your fingers when tipping, that would be more than four years of my life that, for the most part, has been devoid of fear. That is quite a statement, and one that I feel obligated to add some caveats to: I remember dreading ultrasounds for both Anders & Hazel- fearful to hear again that there, “was no need to worry, but something worth watching”. When Hazel had her seizure- passed out cold in my arms, eyes rolled back- my heart leapt to familiar places I wish I never knew. And by way of true fear, that is all I can recall.
When you have walked directly into your worst fear, there’s not much left that doesn’t look like less.
But lately, I have had sleepless nights. I have seen the heavy eyes of the one in the mirror- weighted down by the familiar foe of fear. It seems that what I lacked over the last four years, I have made up for and added to as of late.
I am afraid.
To be honest, I am afraid to finish this post because it ushers in some form of commitment that I am not sure I am ready for. I’m afraid it won’t happen. Or that it will, and I won’t be able to feed my family or provide for their basic needs. I am afraid the burden will be too much for my wife and I will look back and see where I wasn’t sufficiently looking out for her. I am afraid that Hazel and Anders will resent the commitment of energy away from them and manifests those feelings as they grow up. But more than the others in my family- who I see more potential in than I can see in myself- I fear that I am not up to it. Lacking. Insufficient. Weak. And no father- no husband- wants to not be enough.
We have recently wrestled and prayed and sought what it is that God is leading us towards. And we are not certain the road ahead. But we have committed to pursuing adopting a girl who has captured our hearts. Man, something about me hates telling you. If you’re close to us, and you did not know- sorry. Now you do. We have been processing this journey in house for the most part. She is in Ukraine. And we think she’s perfect. Now, we’re trying to figure out if she is ours. Many aspect are out of our hands, and I am not one to speak certain of things that I cannot control.
This would be a much better piece of writing if I could loop around and tell you how I have overcome fear. But I’ll have to write that one when it happens. For now, we move forward. I am afraid. But here we go.
2,298 Comments
After months upon months of begging Ginny to blog on “our” blog, she has left for greener pastures. She just wanted a simple blog to document the goings on of our little family. I thought that’s what we had. She said she couldn’t blog about cloth diapering on here because people come to our blog expecting to hear about something other than methods of dealing with feces. Well, she may have a point there. It was hard to see her go, but I think it’s best. Maybe she’ll actually write- I hope she does, because I hang on her every word- that is unless it’s about diapers that you don’t throw away. She writes hoping no one sees it. I can’t write a word unless I fool myself into imagining an audience. She cringes at dissension or comments that stray; I aim to slap faces. So, go check out her wise, sweet blog. I’ll be here being me, missin’ her and dreaming of the power-blogging couple we could have been.
orbitofthemooneys.blogspot.com
_________________________________
I have not been afraid since Eliot left us.
For you still using your fingers when tipping, that would be more than four years of my life that, for the most part, has been devoid of fear. That is quite a statement, and one that I feel obligated to add some caveats to: I remember dreading ultrasounds for both Anders & Hazel- fearful to hear again that there, “was no need to worry, but something worth watching”. When Hazel had her seizure- passed out cold in my arms, eyes rolled back- my heart leapt to familiar places I wish I never knew. And by way of true fear, that is all I can recall.
When you have walked directly into your worst fear, there’s not much left that doesn’t look like less.
But lately, I have had sleepless nights. I have seen the heavy eyes of the one in the mirror- weighted down by the familiar foe of fear. It seems that what I lacked over the last four years, I have made up for and added to as of late.
I am afraid.
To be honest, I am afraid to finish this post because it ushers in some form of commitment that I am not sure I am ready for. I’m afraid it won’t happen. Or that it will, and I won’t be able to feed my family or provide for their basic needs. I am afraid the burden will be too much for my wife and I will look back and see where I wasn’t sufficiently looking out for her. I am afraid that Hazel and Anders will resent the commitment of energy away from them and manifests those feelings as they grow up. But more than the others in my family- who I see more potential in than I can see in myself- I fear that I am not up to it. Lacking. Insufficient. Weak. And no father- no husband- wants to not be enough.
We have recently wrestled and prayed and sought what it is that God is leading us towards. And we are not certain the road ahead. But we have committed to pursuing adopting a girl who has captured our hearts. Man, something about me hates telling you. If you’re close to us, and you did not know- sorry. Now you do. We have been processing this journey in house for the most part. She is in Ukraine. And we think she’s perfect. Now, we’re trying to figure out if she is ours. Many aspect are out of our hands, and I am not one to speak certain of things that I cannot control.
This would be a much better piece of writing if I could loop around and tell you how I have overcome fear. But I’ll have to write that one when it happens. For now, we move forward. I am afraid. But here we go.
2,298 Comments
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on January 14, 2011 at 11:32 am
whew. i started reading the post and didn’t get to the end until i realized i’d been holding my breath the whole time. fear – i know it well. and i know *this* fear well – the fear of inadequacy, of claiming something and it not coming to fruition, of feeling led yet unsure…
praying for you guys. praying the perfect love of our Father will drive out your fear – and that He would be glorified in your pursuit of this precious girl.
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on January 14, 2011 at 11:41 am
In learning about emotions and feelings in general, and specifically MY emotions, I have come to the conclusion that FEAR is the overriding emotion driving my life. And anger. Essentially, I’m really, really steamed that I’m afraid. Sigh.
The Bible’s most-repeated command is “fear not.” What an impossible task! I just cannot not be afraid. It’s part of me. And then, a devotional I was reading a few days ago brought out that God’s command to “fear not” wasn’t about His power trip to shame me. It isn’t about an edict to somehow do that which I am incapable of doing. No, His “fear not” is more like the parent who comforts his crying child in the middle of the night: “Daddy! I’m scared!” “That’s OK, sweetheart. Daddy is here. I will protect you. You are safe. Close your eyes and go back to sleep.”
It is =OK= to be afraid. It is OK to feel whatever you are feeling–it’s just a feeling. When frightened, the key is to move forward, trusting God, =in spite of the fear.= He is there. He cares. He will protect us and give us the power to move through our fears when we ask Him.
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on January 14, 2011 at 12:03 pm
I think the link to Ginny’s blog might be the wrong link? it kept taking me to another site (which was really good, too).
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on January 14, 2011 at 12:24 pm
thank you! it’s fixed. oops.
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on January 14, 2011 at 12:40 pm
yea for adoption and yea for the mooneys! excited for ya’ll!
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on January 14, 2011 at 12:52 pm
Praying and anticipating all the joy God has in store for you.
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on January 14, 2011 at 8:37 pm
The Greene’s rejoice with you and your steps toward such a beautiful Lena!
I sooooo found myself faced with fear throughout our journey. Over the 3 years there were many times I did not believe I could take another step. I am thankful for a loving and gracious God who did not tire of leading me and for a man who never left my side. In all honesty, I had to trust God to give me the faith just to stretch out an open hand to Him.
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on January 15, 2011 at 4:13 pm
I am so appreciative of how you are being so transparent in the ways God is working in your life, and for equally sharing how you hinder the process. How He is exposing the parts of you that you’ve kept hidden, not even realizing you have. How He has woven Himself into the fabric of the family that you and Ginny have created. How He has immeasurably blessed you and brought pain at the same time, and how that has molded and shaped who you both are. I am so humbled to read your honest words of your journey so far, and the highs and lows you’ve experienced. I am so grateful to read how He has done these things, and am looking forward to see what He has in store for you. Prayers continuted for your family.
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on January 16, 2011 at 11:21 am
Not being a part of your inner circle, I have the luxury of only being excited, and not being worried or fearful. I haven’t commented since before Hazel was born, but I think your family is lovely and I love reading here
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on January 16, 2011 at 3:51 pm
Congratulations, Matt & Ginny! Praying that God’s will will be done as you embark on your “adoption journey”. Will look forward to finding out how everything goes and welcoming Lena into the family, if that is in His plan for all of you.
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on January 16, 2011 at 8:44 pm
wow! Lena is beautiful, love her smile…we will be praying with you-
i can relate to the fear-esp in regards to adoption-thanks for writing
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on January 18, 2011 at 8:07 pm
What a beautiful, precious little girl! We will be praying it through!!
I always appreciate your honesty. 🙂
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ok, I feel like an idiot, when I posted a few days ago, I had only read the first half of your post! Wow! Amazing. We will be praying for you guys…God will lead you no doubt, down the road He has chosen for your family.
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on January 24, 2011 at 9:53 pm
Wow wow! What huge news! Amazing!
I have been a creepy follower of your family for years. And I think we are going to get to meet you guys (is your wife coming?) at Idea Camp!
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Amy,
Creep on! We really look forward to meeting you guys…both of us plan on being at idea camp. You have quite a beautiful family yourself.
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whew. i started reading the post and didn’t get to the end until i realized i’d been holding my breath the whole time. fear – i know it well. and i know *this* fear well – the fear of inadequacy, of claiming something and it not coming to fruition, of feeling led yet unsure…
praying for you guys. praying the perfect love of our Father will drive out your fear – and that He would be glorified in your pursuit of this precious girl.
In learning about emotions and feelings in general, and specifically MY emotions, I have come to the conclusion that FEAR is the overriding emotion driving my life. And anger. Essentially, I’m really, really steamed that I’m afraid. Sigh.
The Bible’s most-repeated command is “fear not.” What an impossible task! I just cannot not be afraid. It’s part of me. And then, a devotional I was reading a few days ago brought out that God’s command to “fear not” wasn’t about His power trip to shame me. It isn’t about an edict to somehow do that which I am incapable of doing. No, His “fear not” is more like the parent who comforts his crying child in the middle of the night: “Daddy! I’m scared!” “That’s OK, sweetheart. Daddy is here. I will protect you. You are safe. Close your eyes and go back to sleep.”
It is =OK= to be afraid. It is OK to feel whatever you are feeling–it’s just a feeling. When frightened, the key is to move forward, trusting God, =in spite of the fear.= He is there. He cares. He will protect us and give us the power to move through our fears when we ask Him.
I think the link to Ginny’s blog might be the wrong link? it kept taking me to another site (which was really good, too).
thank you! it’s fixed. oops.
yea for adoption and yea for the mooneys! excited for ya’ll!
Praying and anticipating all the joy God has in store for you.
The Greene’s rejoice with you and your steps toward such a beautiful Lena!
I sooooo found myself faced with fear throughout our journey. Over the 3 years there were many times I did not believe I could take another step. I am thankful for a loving and gracious God who did not tire of leading me and for a man who never left my side. In all honesty, I had to trust God to give me the faith just to stretch out an open hand to Him.
I am so appreciative of how you are being so transparent in the ways God is working in your life, and for equally sharing how you hinder the process. How He is exposing the parts of you that you’ve kept hidden, not even realizing you have. How He has woven Himself into the fabric of the family that you and Ginny have created. How He has immeasurably blessed you and brought pain at the same time, and how that has molded and shaped who you both are. I am so humbled to read your honest words of your journey so far, and the highs and lows you’ve experienced. I am so grateful to read how He has done these things, and am looking forward to see what He has in store for you. Prayers continuted for your family.
Not being a part of your inner circle, I have the luxury of only being excited, and not being worried or fearful. I haven’t commented since before Hazel was born, but I think your family is lovely and I love reading here
Congratulations, Matt & Ginny! Praying that God’s will will be done as you embark on your “adoption journey”. Will look forward to finding out how everything goes and welcoming Lena into the family, if that is in His plan for all of you.
wow! Lena is beautiful, love her smile…we will be praying with you-
i can relate to the fear-esp in regards to adoption-thanks for writing
What a beautiful, precious little girl! We will be praying it through!!
I always appreciate your honesty. 🙂
ok, I feel like an idiot, when I posted a few days ago, I had only read the first half of your post! Wow! Amazing. We will be praying for you guys…God will lead you no doubt, down the road He has chosen for your family.
Wow wow! What huge news! Amazing!
I have been a creepy follower of your family for years. And I think we are going to get to meet you guys (is your wife coming?) at Idea Camp!
Amy,
Creep on! We really look forward to meeting you guys…both of us plan on being at idea camp. You have quite a beautiful family yourself.