We are still planning on turning our trip to St Louis for Lena’s upcoming eye surgery into a full-blown family road trip to Michigan. We still think we’re crazy, and we’re still waiting to see if we come to our senses. But, for today, and tenuous at best- come mid July we’ll turn Big Red the mini-van north and try to convince the kids, as well as ourselves, that this is what fun looks like.
Yesterday, Lena had one of her most-difficult-to-date days. 92.5% of the time, Lena is perfectly happy and full of smiles that stop hearts. Another 5% of the time, she has started to throw little Lena fits, which are honestly quite harmless and brought on exclusively by Ginny’s infrequent exits. So, attachment is going well- at least to Ginny. Whatever % I’ve left represents the rare event when Lena will be upset with unrelenting terror-sized screams. Usually, we have no idea what triggers these periods, but what we do understand is she is very upset and unable to cope and come down in any way. And so we sit with her and hold her and try everything and nothing works; we just try to make sure she knows that we are there and that we love her.
And a mommy’s mind and a daddy’s fist can come up with all sorts of reasons why this is happening- some of the hypotheses are guesswork at best and some of them are a very real possibility for a little girl who has come through much.
Ginny and I went on a late date last night to Doe’s (she did not grow a pepper yet, but it was a bad day and so it seemed that spending too much money on steak would be a sure-fire pick us up, and it was). We discussed the day, and I tried to tell her it was all going to be fine and we couldn’t try to read too much hurt into the screams and could she pass the ketchup.
But we both knew what lingered in the air, and we knew there was nothing we could do about it. It is such a strange realization to know that one of your own has known the injustice of the world more intimately than you have. Every day we are dealing with the effects of this blown-to-bits world. And this world sucks. Don’t get lulled to sleep because you have a nice house and a comfortable bed. We have brought into our home a reminder that we otherwise would avoid at all costs.
This world makes you want to scream. Go ahead Lena. We’re here. And we love you.
2,252 Comments
We are still planning on turning our trip to St Louis for Lena’s upcoming eye surgery into a full-blown family road trip to Michigan. We still think we’re crazy, and we’re still waiting to see if we come to our senses. But, for today, and tenuous at best- come mid July we’ll turn Big Red the mini-van north and try to convince the kids, as well as ourselves, that this is what fun looks like.
Yesterday, Lena had one of her most-difficult-to-date days. 92.5% of the time, Lena is perfectly happy and full of smiles that stop hearts. Another 5% of the time, she has started to throw little Lena fits, which are honestly quite harmless and brought on exclusively by Ginny’s infrequent exits. So, attachment is going well- at least to Ginny. Whatever % I’ve left represents the rare event when Lena will be upset with unrelenting terror-sized screams. Usually, we have no idea what triggers these periods, but what we do understand is she is very upset and unable to cope and come down in any way. And so we sit with her and hold her and try everything and nothing works; we just try to make sure she knows that we are there and that we love her.
And a mommy’s mind and a daddy’s fist can come up with all sorts of reasons why this is happening- some of the hypotheses are guesswork at best and some of them are a very real possibility for a little girl who has come through much.
Ginny and I went on a late date last night to Doe’s (she did not grow a pepper yet, but it was a bad day and so it seemed that spending too much money on steak would be a sure-fire pick us up, and it was). We discussed the day, and I tried to tell her it was all going to be fine and we couldn’t try to read too much hurt into the screams and could she pass the ketchup.
But we both knew what lingered in the air, and we knew there was nothing we could do about it. It is such a strange realization to know that one of your own has known the injustice of the world more intimately than you have. Every day we are dealing with the effects of this blown-to-bits world. And this world sucks. Don’t get lulled to sleep because you have a nice house and a comfortable bed. We have brought into our home a reminder that we otherwise would avoid at all costs.
This world makes you want to scream. Go ahead Lena. We’re here. And we love you.
2,252 Comments
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on June 14, 2012 at 2:47 pm
Matt,
I continue to be amazed at yours and Ginny’s hearts. I love what is in them. Such wisdom in your words. As a nurse I took care of a lot of children with special needs. I came to realize that the parents of those children are the true unsung heroes of our world. You two, having chosen this life….well, I think you are going to qualify for some serious treasures in heaven. You are living for eternity, and it is so obvious. If only more of us could have such focus. Bless you and your precious family.
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on June 14, 2012 at 9:10 pm
The day will come when she will have been home longer than she wasn’t, such a wonderful thought. Every passing day is a day farther removed from the before and for that I am so grateful! Praying you all through the hard days and thankful for that other 92.5% with your rockstar girl. You guys are awesome! Amy
Matt,
I continue to be amazed at yours and Ginny’s hearts. I love what is in them. Such wisdom in your words. As a nurse I took care of a lot of children with special needs. I came to realize that the parents of those children are the true unsung heroes of our world. You two, having chosen this life….well, I think you are going to qualify for some serious treasures in heaven. You are living for eternity, and it is so obvious. If only more of us could have such focus. Bless you and your precious family.
The day will come when she will have been home longer than she wasn’t, such a wonderful thought. Every passing day is a day farther removed from the before and for that I am so grateful! Praying you all through the hard days and thankful for that other 92.5% with your rockstar girl. You guys are awesome! Amy