I hate this next sentence.
These last months have been busy.
Even had Ginny’s back not gone and thrown a nuclear bomb in an already chaotic concoction- this season would still have competed quite well for the wildest one that we have known. The perfect storm concocted of cranked up work with 99 Balloons, numerous opportunities to tell stories in far flung places and a continued adjustment to life with the added rascal from Ukraine. Many of the tugs for time are actually answered prayers and fruition of things we have hoped for.
But good things can overwhelm us just as quickly as the bad and maybe all the more as we welcome them rather than zealously fight them off.
And the back. Oh, the back.
(Ginny has two disc out of place and pushing on a nerve. Her pain is managed through meds, but the doctors are telling her to let them know when she is ready for surgery- one that’s recovery would mean six weeks of doing nothing.)
If your one that prays, I ask that you channel my desperation and toss a prayer up to the one who hears. I would be most grateful. I feel that my own prayers are weakened arrows- hopelessly falling short of their hoped for destination. So, if you would join, then maybe by sheer volume, one will break through and Gin’s back will return to a state we will never again take for granted.
She does not talk much about it. There is not much to say and certainly little energy left at the end of a day to utter it even still. She’s walking a fine line of being tough and wearing out. But tough always wins with her- she is quiet strength and overlooked faithfulness- a daily routine of care and toil and doling out love in measures that assure me her storehouse is larger than my own. And I am helplessly inept at doing one thing that, even for a moment, makes it better for her.
The busy-ness is equal in measure only to my guilt for the busy-ness. For this is one of the many lessons my dear Eliot placed within the chambers of a muscle pulsing in my chest:
A quickened pace can keep us from those things that matter most. Those things that never return once they have been lived.
I am always wrestling with the me I have no excuse not to be and the me that inhabits the body I awoke in today. And, as you can see, as is often the case around this time of year- I am a jumbled mess of a man.
It will be 6 years to the day this Saturday.
Six years away from that moment when God allowed something- something that I had asked him, with all that was within me, to not let occur. The day that Eliot left our arms empty.
Maybe busy-ness is my defense. I really couldn’t tell you; I have tried to not let that be the case. But most often my attempts & tries fall to the ground- joining my fallen prayers in a hodgepodge pile.
How do I muster up the faith to pray for Ginny’s back with any conviction when I know I prayed harder for him?
Here in Fayetteville, we get a textbook fall: temperatures dive to perfect levels, leaves refuse to go unnoticed in hues typically reserved for flames and gifts fall to the ground with each breeze. And at the very moment when I am hurling why’s and interrogations at the skies with all the velocity I can summons. The leaves are begging a different question altogether.
Why do the leaves change colors?
But for a moment, I am reminded that He is good. My faith lies is his character.
Not my ability to gather up sufficient hope. Not in the receiving of desired answers to my prayers. If I question the hard things, I must not neglect the beautiful things as well.
7,699 Comments
I hate this next sentence.
These last months have been busy.
Even had Ginny’s back not gone and thrown a nuclear bomb in an already chaotic concoction- this season would still have competed quite well for the wildest one that we have known. The perfect storm concocted of cranked up work with 99 Balloons, numerous opportunities to tell stories in far flung places and a continued adjustment to life with the added rascal from Ukraine. Many of the tugs for time are actually answered prayers and fruition of things we have hoped for.
But good things can overwhelm us just as quickly as the bad and maybe all the more as we welcome them rather than zealously fight them off.
And the back. Oh, the back.
(Ginny has two disc out of place and pushing on a nerve. Her pain is managed through meds, but the doctors are telling her to let them know when she is ready for surgery- one that’s recovery would mean six weeks of doing nothing.)
If your one that prays, I ask that you channel my desperation and toss a prayer up to the one who hears. I would be most grateful. I feel that my own prayers are weakened arrows- hopelessly falling short of their hoped for destination. So, if you would join, then maybe by sheer volume, one will break through and Gin’s back will return to a state we will never again take for granted.
She does not talk much about it. There is not much to say and certainly little energy left at the end of a day to utter it even still. She’s walking a fine line of being tough and wearing out. But tough always wins with her- she is quiet strength and overlooked faithfulness- a daily routine of care and toil and doling out love in measures that assure me her storehouse is larger than my own. And I am helplessly inept at doing one thing that, even for a moment, makes it better for her.
The busy-ness is equal in measure only to my guilt for the busy-ness. For this is one of the many lessons my dear Eliot placed within the chambers of a muscle pulsing in my chest:
A quickened pace can keep us from those things that matter most. Those things that never return once they have been lived.
I am always wrestling with the me I have no excuse not to be and the me that inhabits the body I awoke in today. And, as you can see, as is often the case around this time of year- I am a jumbled mess of a man.
It will be 6 years to the day this Saturday.
Six years away from that moment when God allowed something- something that I had asked him, with all that was within me, to not let occur. The day that Eliot left our arms empty.
Maybe busy-ness is my defense. I really couldn’t tell you; I have tried to not let that be the case. But most often my attempts & tries fall to the ground- joining my fallen prayers in a hodgepodge pile.
How do I muster up the faith to pray for Ginny’s back with any conviction when I know I prayed harder for him?
Here in Fayetteville, we get a textbook fall: temperatures dive to perfect levels, leaves refuse to go unnoticed in hues typically reserved for flames and gifts fall to the ground with each breeze. And at the very moment when I am hurling why’s and interrogations at the skies with all the velocity I can summons. The leaves are begging a different question altogether.
Why do the leaves change colors?
But for a moment, I am reminded that He is good. My faith lies is his character.
Not my ability to gather up sufficient hope. Not in the receiving of desired answers to my prayers. If I question the hard things, I must not neglect the beautiful things as well.
7,699 Comments
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on October 24, 2012 at 8:07 am
Praying for healing for Ginny’s back and for peace for your family this Saturday, and always.
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on October 24, 2012 at 8:11 am
Join the “mess of a man” club brother! We will put Ginny and your crew on our prayer list. If we can be of any assistance, just let us know.
One of my favorite prayers my father used to pray over our church after every service.
“Do not look forward in fear to the changes in life;
rather, look to them with full hope that as they arise,
God, whose very own you are,
will lead you safely through all things;
and when you cannot stand it,
God will carry you in His arms.Do not fear what may happen tomorrow;
the same understanding Father who cares for
you today will take care of you then and every day.He will either shield you from suffering
or will give you unfailing strength to bear it.
Be at peace,
and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations.” -Saint Francis De Sales
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on November 27, 2012 at 2:27 pm
I love this….thanks so much Kirk
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on October 24, 2012 at 9:31 am
Brother,
Those leaves, what choice do they have but to fall? Going out in a flames that are not consuming, feeding the roots of what is to come.
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well said, John
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on October 25, 2012 at 1:26 pm
Matt,
Your honesty continues to bless me. Your family is always on my mind, and I continue to pray for you all.
I continue to share your “story” when people ask me how we named our daughter, Hazel.
Seeing pictures of Lena, warms and melts my heart, and they make me want to take the first flight out, to take home a very weak, and love deprived little one of my very own.
Ginny, I will pray for strength, and for wisdom in the medical world. I am so happy you know who the “Great Healer” is. Father, please have mercy on this family. Their constant demonstration of faith, humility and love is beautiful to watch.
Be blessed, Mooney family.
Always,
Susan-mom to Hazel, named after being inspired of your family.
Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada
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I have to see a pic of that little Hazel of yours.
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on October 26, 2012 at 8:34 pm
Has Ginny tried physical therapy? Depending on how bad the disc bulges are, it could be very helpful. I have had patients who have been able to avoid surgery, but there are always those few that don’t respond to therapy and need to have surgery. It is worth a try if you haven’t tried it already. I will keep your family in my prayers.
Rachel
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Thanks Rachel. Yes, she is/has. Appreciate your help and concern.
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on October 27, 2012 at 12:14 am
There is a push to ‘busyness” that the world, even our church, fosters. It is as if by being busy , even with good things, is a sign that one is living life to the fullest. It takes a lot of courage to walk away from the busyness, to not have to consult a calendar to schedule a conversation or a cup of coffee. Not busy means not productive, even in a world of faith filled friends. To do great things for God does not mean worldly busyness. Sometimes, great things for God means the attention you give to one person. Go for it – join the rebellion against business. It doesn’t hide anything anyway.
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on October 31, 2012 at 10:59 am
You came to mind today and as I read this I feel like God has brought me here. I believe acupuncture would help Ginny’s back. My mother has scoliosis and goes to acupuncture and it helps with the pain tremendously. I don’t understand how it works, but it does. I will pray for Ginny’s back.
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on December 4, 2012 at 11:52 pm
I first saw 99 balloons a little over four years ago. Oprah had featured the video and I remember being just overwhelmed with emotion that I must of watched it at least three more times. I was pregnant at the time and I remember being so heartbroken for you and your wife. Unable to imagine the loss you must of felt. A week later I delivered my daughter prematurely and she survived for just 27 minutes and I became acutely aware just how paralyzingly the loss of a child can be. I never forgot Eliots story or you and your wife’s. You gave me strength that I would survive those early and darkest days. That my marriage would survive and we could find the courage to try again. You gave me hope that my life didn’t end that day. I don’t know why any of this happens, why or if any of us are chosen to be the parents of Angels but I am not who I was 4 years ago. I am just the same shell. I think that I am better, even more human. I am so glad I am able to finally say Thank You for sharing Eliot. I believe I watched your video for a reason and I will never forget how it helped me.
Praying for healing for Ginny’s back and for peace for your family this Saturday, and always.
Join the “mess of a man” club brother! We will put Ginny and your crew on our prayer list. If we can be of any assistance, just let us know.
One of my favorite prayers my father used to pray over our church after every service.
“Do not look forward in fear to the changes in life;
rather, look to them with full hope that as they arise,
God, whose very own you are,
will lead you safely through all things;
and when you cannot stand it,
God will carry you in His arms.
Do not fear what may happen tomorrow;
the same understanding Father who cares for
you today will take care of you then and every day.
He will either shield you from suffering
or will give you unfailing strength to bear it.
Be at peace,
and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations.” -Saint Francis De Sales
I love this….thanks so much Kirk
Brother,
Those leaves, what choice do they have but to fall? Going out in a flames that are not consuming, feeding the roots of what is to come.
well said, John
Matt,
Your honesty continues to bless me. Your family is always on my mind, and I continue to pray for you all.
I continue to share your “story” when people ask me how we named our daughter, Hazel.
Seeing pictures of Lena, warms and melts my heart, and they make me want to take the first flight out, to take home a very weak, and love deprived little one of my very own.
Ginny, I will pray for strength, and for wisdom in the medical world. I am so happy you know who the “Great Healer” is. Father, please have mercy on this family. Their constant demonstration of faith, humility and love is beautiful to watch.
Be blessed, Mooney family.
Always,
Susan-mom to Hazel, named after being inspired of your family.
Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada
I have to see a pic of that little Hazel of yours.
Has Ginny tried physical therapy? Depending on how bad the disc bulges are, it could be very helpful. I have had patients who have been able to avoid surgery, but there are always those few that don’t respond to therapy and need to have surgery. It is worth a try if you haven’t tried it already. I will keep your family in my prayers.
Rachel
Thanks Rachel. Yes, she is/has. Appreciate your help and concern.
There is a push to ‘busyness” that the world, even our church, fosters. It is as if by being busy , even with good things, is a sign that one is living life to the fullest. It takes a lot of courage to walk away from the busyness, to not have to consult a calendar to schedule a conversation or a cup of coffee. Not busy means not productive, even in a world of faith filled friends. To do great things for God does not mean worldly busyness. Sometimes, great things for God means the attention you give to one person. Go for it – join the rebellion against business. It doesn’t hide anything anyway.
You came to mind today and as I read this I feel like God has brought me here. I believe acupuncture would help Ginny’s back. My mother has scoliosis and goes to acupuncture and it helps with the pain tremendously. I don’t understand how it works, but it does. I will pray for Ginny’s back.
I first saw 99 balloons a little over four years ago. Oprah had featured the video and I remember being just overwhelmed with emotion that I must of watched it at least three more times. I was pregnant at the time and I remember being so heartbroken for you and your wife. Unable to imagine the loss you must of felt. A week later I delivered my daughter prematurely and she survived for just 27 minutes and I became acutely aware just how paralyzingly the loss of a child can be. I never forgot Eliots story or you and your wife’s. You gave me strength that I would survive those early and darkest days. That my marriage would survive and we could find the courage to try again. You gave me hope that my life didn’t end that day. I don’t know why any of this happens, why or if any of us are chosen to be the parents of Angels but I am not who I was 4 years ago. I am just the same shell. I think that I am better, even more human. I am so glad I am able to finally say Thank You for sharing Eliot. I believe I watched your video for a reason and I will never forget how it helped me.