Dear Uncle Influenza,
You are a real S.O.B. (seriously obstinate blowhole). And this time you have done it.
I have tired of the way you only come around the holidays- and not actually on them, but just after we have said goodbye to the rest of our real family and headed home to be alone with just us. In you come, never knocking; we clearly asked you to never come back the last time you came calling by a new name- something about pigs- but it was just you in a clever disguise of snout and tail.
We used to tolerate you and came to think of your presence as part of the season- a mere annoyance that we should smile through (not unlike some other family members we have). But we now have three kids and so you cannot just barge in here and foist yourself on my bride as you have this last week. It’s rude and it makes the kids cry and for goodness sake, I don’t even get to sleep with my own wife when you come around. Yes, you have violated the marriage bed and must be ridded.
I have endured extreme measures to avoid your presence- even allowed sharp needles to prick me that promised to thwart your visits. I hate needles and I hate blood and I hate having to warn the nurses that I, a grown man, just may pass out so, “be ready”. They get all flustered and offer me cookies. I don’t want cookies, nurse. I want the flu to go elsewhere.
In fact, this week as I have called on friends for help and thrown my kids at family, I have been thinking of other places you could go. There is nothing special about our house. Have you ever noticed my neighbors? They welcome company, and don’t have three kids; yet this point makes you less likely to visit them altogether. See, you really are a cruel one.
And so, we are done with you. Now and forever. Go elsewhere and take the wives of others.
Sincerely,
your nephew and nemesis
Dear Uncle Influenza,
You are a real S.O.B. (seriously obstinate blowhole). And this time you have done it.
I have tired of the way you only come around the holidays- and not actually on them, but just after we have said goodbye to the rest of our real family and headed home to be alone with just us. In you come, never knocking; we clearly asked you to never come back the last time you came calling by a new name- something about pigs- but it was just you in a clever disguise of snout and tail.
We used to tolerate you and came to think of your presence as part of the season- a mere annoyance that we should smile through (not unlike some other family members we have). But we now have three kids and so you cannot just barge in here and foist yourself on my bride as you have this last week. It’s rude and it makes the kids cry and for goodness sake, I don’t even get to sleep with my own wife when you come around. Yes, you have violated the marriage bed and must be ridded.
I have endured extreme measures to avoid your presence- even allowed sharp needles to prick me that promised to thwart your visits. I hate needles and I hate blood and I hate having to warn the nurses that I, a grown man, just may pass out so, “be ready”. They get all flustered and offer me cookies. I don’t want cookies, nurse. I want the flu to go elsewhere.
In fact, this week as I have called on friends for help and thrown my kids at family, I have been thinking of other places you could go. There is nothing special about our house. Have you ever noticed my neighbors? They welcome company, and don’t have three kids; yet this point makes you less likely to visit them altogether. See, you really are a cruel one.
And so, we are done with you. Now and forever. Go elsewhere and take the wives of others.
Sincerely,
your nephew and nemesis