enough

I don’t know that I do New Year’s resolutions any more, though I think I should and harbor no ill-will toward those who do.  It seems to be in vogue to not do them and so that kind of makes me want to.  Anyway, I think I do more of a wishful theme for the year.  Something to aspire to within the seasons and something that hopefully, after a year’s worth of intentions, is better than it was when I started.  I want to change.  I hope that in years ahead, I don’t even recognize the me that is me as of today.  It’s been true of my life so far.

There’s grade school Matt.  He is ruthless with sharp words and big awkward glasses.  I blame the glasses for my razor sharp tongue.  When you look like the white Steve Urkel, you better learn to wield the tongue if you hope to sit at the cool kids’ table.  With no money and no muscles, I was left with words.  I was quick with a comeback and proactively mean to new people lest I wait around for them to make fun of me.

As I tired of people hating me for making fun of them.  I relented publicly on the tongue- still needling everyone in sight within the confines of my quiet head.  Still letting enough out to be know for my mouth.

There’s university Matt.  I didn’t drink.  I discipled middle schoolers.  I did the summer camp thing & I studied hard.  Also, I leaned on each one of those to get me a few steps closer to Jesus.  Not as public as the tongue, but an even greater evil.  I was an all american everything, so He had to like me.  And no one liked me better than me.

All that to say, I have changed.  I’m still that person, but then again I’m not.

My theme this year- the one that I am holding out hope of inching me closer to who I want to be…is simplicity.  This is an extension of last year’s theme- contentment.  Last year was a year full of this question being hopped up on the top bunk of my mind.

Is it enough for you, Matt?

I am a dreamer.  I am a doer.  I am one who likes to think I am effecting change- making a difference.  But last year my world was small.  My family and my job was all I could do, and often I felt that I stunk at both.

• 99 balloons really does need to do more.  It’s nowhere near where it needs to be: help more children.  make more folks aware of the plight of kids globally with disability, serve families….we’re not even sniffing where it should be.
• I need to figure out how to make more money and take care of the ones that God has entrusted to me….Lena needs new shoes, Ginny deserves a date and Hazel & Anders are probably gonna want to go to college.
• I need to blog.  It needs to be good.  Because I like to write and if its not really good then no one will read and if no one reads then I will never get to write in any sort of way that says “hey world, I’m a writer”.
• We don’t do enough at our church.  I don’t want to just be a taker.  How can we serve around here?

This is my mind, and I am only handing over a sliver of the dysfunction.  And so on the shores of Lake Michigan on our annual family trip last year, I heard it….not audibly, but I mean I heard it.

Is it enough for you, Matt?
Is this life I have given you enough?

Can I be content within the moments that comprise the days- each one stacking one atop another as dinner plates; backing away to see the pile of time that is my life.  I thought the stack would look a little more grand.  Maybe a smattering of color throughout.  It’s a trust issue, when I see it as it is.

I am working on it all being enough for me.  In fact, only when I ask the question do I change the answer.  A thousand times yes, this seemingly dull stack of a life is more than I dreamed- when I take the time to observe it all.  But when I allow the days to skirt by, my default mode kicks in and I am living as though it is not enough.  As though I must do more, be more….I am striving for some image of something I bought when I didn’t even know I was shopping.

My life is replete with goodness.  And this year I am believing that, walking head held high relieved from heavy burden of the chase.  I am content.  It is enough.

And only when it is enough can I attempt to reorient my life toward simple.  Because now that it is sufficient, I will set my life on a path that no longer chases wind.

I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.¹² I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. ¹³ I can do all things through him who strengthens me. (Philippians 4)