He would be four tomorrow.
Sounds like a cliché line cut from a country music song, and I desperately wish I could be more poignant, but my mind will not oblige, as I cannot seem to move past these five words.
He would be four tomorrow.
Or rather, is it, he is four tomorrow? Though, with all I am, I believe he’s in a place where time itself is only a memory. Four years wouldn’t be what we would be celebrating anyway.
He would be 1,461 days old tomorrow.
And I am confident that we would be singing out on day 1,461 with all the wonder that day one held- never growing tired of celebrating each day at 4:59 p.m.
I have already been preparing Ginny that this is a day that we will celebrate- somehow hoping that speaking it in advance will make it easier to actually do when the time comes. It’s just too bad that it doesn’t work that way.
In the brief windows of thought that this week has allowed, I’ve been thinking on how I have changed in the last four years. And it would require less paper to list what remains rather than what has been altered.
Here in Michigan, I have been reflecting and writing on our time before, during and after Eliot’s life. This three-part paradigm- before, during and after Eliot- seems to be the way that my life is playing out. I can only recall the man I was prior to holding him as a ghost or someone to laugh at.
Exuberant joy, colossal pain, life and death intertwined to hit me between the eyes and leave this me in the place of what I was. And it’s a good thing- I think, but there’s a mourning that accompanies not only the catalyst but also the process that leaves me a better man. Everyone desires the clarity that comes with where I stand today, but God forbid they walk the road that led me here.
It is hard to thank God for killing you. For doing just what He said He would. It is hard, and I have not yet attained, a posture of praise for the death of me. Yet I am undeniably more of who I want to be, inching closer to my destiny, and oh so thankful for His redemptive work that has exchanged my selfishness for compassion, my death for life.
If I sound a little scattered, I apologize, I am.
He would be four tomorrow.
3,309 Comments
He would be four tomorrow.
Sounds like a cliché line cut from a country music song, and I desperately wish I could be more poignant, but my mind will not oblige, as I cannot seem to move past these five words.
He would be four tomorrow.
Or rather, is it, he is four tomorrow? Though, with all I am, I believe he’s in a place where time itself is only a memory. Four years wouldn’t be what we would be celebrating anyway.
He would be 1,461 days old tomorrow.
And I am confident that we would be singing out on day 1,461 with all the wonder that day one held- never growing tired of celebrating each day at 4:59 p.m.
I have already been preparing Ginny that this is a day that we will celebrate- somehow hoping that speaking it in advance will make it easier to actually do when the time comes. It’s just too bad that it doesn’t work that way.
In the brief windows of thought that this week has allowed, I’ve been thinking on how I have changed in the last four years. And it would require less paper to list what remains rather than what has been altered.
Here in Michigan, I have been reflecting and writing on our time before, during and after Eliot’s life. This three-part paradigm- before, during and after Eliot- seems to be the way that my life is playing out. I can only recall the man I was prior to holding him as a ghost or someone to laugh at.
Exuberant joy, colossal pain, life and death intertwined to hit me between the eyes and leave this me in the place of what I was. And it’s a good thing- I think, but there’s a mourning that accompanies not only the catalyst but also the process that leaves me a better man. Everyone desires the clarity that comes with where I stand today, but God forbid they walk the road that led me here.
It is hard to thank God for killing you. For doing just what He said He would. It is hard, and I have not yet attained, a posture of praise for the death of me. Yet I am undeniably more of who I want to be, inching closer to my destiny, and oh so thankful for His redemptive work that has exchanged my selfishness for compassion, my death for life.
If I sound a little scattered, I apologize, I am.
He would be four tomorrow.
3,309 Comments
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on July 19, 2010 at 3:18 pm
This past Sunday, the pastor of our church shared the video of Eliot’s life, to accompany his sermon on Gratitude. After viewing that video, I was inspired to find your blog, to thank you for sharing your son Eliot with so many people. Bless you as you celebrate Eliot’s fourth birthday. You will be in my prayers as you celebrate and mourn.
.-= Wife and Mommy´s last blog ..Housekeeping =-.
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on July 19, 2010 at 3:29 pm
Eliot is just a little older than my daughter. I read his story, including the end, while hers was beginning. You and Ginny are in my thoughts and prayers.
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on July 19, 2010 at 4:15 pm
On earth he WOULD be four tomorrow.
In heaven he IS four tomorrow. God is taking good care of him, he’s an angel.
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on July 19, 2010 at 4:30 pm
So much time has passed but it only seems like yesterday. God healed our little angels and gave them wings to grow. The pain of not having them in our arms is there everyday is outweighed by the joy of knowing they are healed! Or at least that is the way it’s supposed to be. God made them perfect before we knew them.
Loves and hugs,
.-= Ashley´s last blog ..July 7- 2010 – So much has changed =-.
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on July 19, 2010 at 6:01 pm
I will celebrate with you tomorrow- and mourn. Happy 4th Birthday Elloit!!!! We love you always!
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on July 20, 2010 at 9:08 am
Happy Birthday, Elliot! Matt, and Ginny- I totally get the paradigm you referrred to in this post. I also don’t remember the me that existed pre-Janessa. Sometimes I mourn the loss of what I was, but I wouldn’t trade the time we had with her! We too struggle to celebrate and thank God each day we miss her. Our family is growing, and the ache for her remains. I think of you often and you are often in my prayers. I’m praying today! We have a son that is Elliot’s age, and our daughter would be Hazel’s age. When I see my Evan, I think of Elliot and pray for you. When I see your Hazel, I think of our own little girl, and now we each have little boys that are close to the same age!!
Blessings on this birthday!
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on July 20, 2010 at 12:54 pm
Praying that you will be held close today by the One who is worthy of praise.
.-= Annie´s last blog ..A stroke of genius =-.
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on July 20, 2010 at 12:56 pm
Remembering your precious Eliot today…and always. Prayers from Indiana…
.-= Julie´s last blog ..Aiden =-.
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on July 24, 2010 at 8:32 pm
(in a whisper) Happy Birthday Ginny and Eliot.
I understand scattered. I understand the ghost of a person you were and how to laugh at the person you were. How young, wide eyed and ready to take on whatever. Laughing at whatever life could throw at you. Now dazed and trying to right yourself and just stay on the path is incredibly difficult. Looking back at this person, you do just think, “HA! You have no idea what is coming dummy.” Living life that seems to have given you a lifetime of experience in a very short span of life. Sigh. I love as always the perspective and the pictures. Thinking of you all.
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on August 4, 2010 at 2:46 pm
Praise God for His good works in you!! (By the way, you are an excellent writer. I always enjoy the way you put things.) Happy (Late) Birthday to Eliot!
.-= Lori @ The Davidson Den´s last blog ..Fallen =-.
This past Sunday, the pastor of our church shared the video of Eliot’s life, to accompany his sermon on Gratitude. After viewing that video, I was inspired to find your blog, to thank you for sharing your son Eliot with so many people. Bless you as you celebrate Eliot’s fourth birthday. You will be in my prayers as you celebrate and mourn.
.-= Wife and Mommy´s last blog ..Housekeeping =-.
Eliot is just a little older than my daughter. I read his story, including the end, while hers was beginning. You and Ginny are in my thoughts and prayers.
On earth he WOULD be four tomorrow.
In heaven he IS four tomorrow. God is taking good care of him, he’s an angel.
So much time has passed but it only seems like yesterday. God healed our little angels and gave them wings to grow. The pain of not having them in our arms is there everyday is outweighed by the joy of knowing they are healed! Or at least that is the way it’s supposed to be. God made them perfect before we knew them.
Loves and hugs,
.-= Ashley´s last blog ..July 7- 2010 – So much has changed =-.
I will celebrate with you tomorrow- and mourn. Happy 4th Birthday Elloit!!!! We love you always!
Happy Birthday, Elliot! Matt, and Ginny- I totally get the paradigm you referrred to in this post. I also don’t remember the me that existed pre-Janessa. Sometimes I mourn the loss of what I was, but I wouldn’t trade the time we had with her! We too struggle to celebrate and thank God each day we miss her. Our family is growing, and the ache for her remains. I think of you often and you are often in my prayers. I’m praying today! We have a son that is Elliot’s age, and our daughter would be Hazel’s age. When I see my Evan, I think of Elliot and pray for you. When I see your Hazel, I think of our own little girl, and now we each have little boys that are close to the same age!!
Blessings on this birthday!
Praying that you will be held close today by the One who is worthy of praise.
.-= Annie´s last blog ..A stroke of genius =-.
Remembering your precious Eliot today…and always. Prayers from Indiana…
.-= Julie´s last blog ..Aiden =-.
(in a whisper) Happy Birthday Ginny and Eliot.
I understand scattered. I understand the ghost of a person you were and how to laugh at the person you were. How young, wide eyed and ready to take on whatever. Laughing at whatever life could throw at you. Now dazed and trying to right yourself and just stay on the path is incredibly difficult. Looking back at this person, you do just think, “HA! You have no idea what is coming dummy.” Living life that seems to have given you a lifetime of experience in a very short span of life. Sigh. I love as always the perspective and the pictures. Thinking of you all.
Praise God for His good works in you!! (By the way, you are an excellent writer. I always enjoy the way you put things.) Happy (Late) Birthday to Eliot!
.-= Lori @ The Davidson Den´s last blog ..Fallen =-.