It’s a funny stage we’re in these days. I use we to refer to the arm-candy calling me hubbums (Ok, she has never actually called me that, but we can all agree she should). Candy & I are making it these days. I blogged a few days back about how the transition has been hard on the ole marriage….blah, blah & a bear pees in the woods. Of course it has been hard. In effect, we have had 3 children in three years and functionally they all live like 3 & unders do- which to the unschooled can basically be translated into the following:
- They are currently unable to meet pretty much every need or desire that crops up, and oh how they crop up, like a bountiful field of sunflowers- or like manure in a cow pasture- if you’re prone to a dark side.
- They actually are completely unaware that the world does not revolve around the mass that comprises their little miniature man & woman bodies.
- They are so beautifully innocent while simultaneously capable of exhibiting parades of selfishness and outbursts of atrocity- ones that leave you sifting through every long-lost relative, trying to finger point the black sheep whose DNA must have leaked into their gene pool.
- Somehow just a smile from one of these rascals is more than sufficient to overcome the frustration, and it leaves you only to wonder if someone could love you like you love them.
I use hard more more like math is hard or kind of like juggling cats is hard- or seems like something that would be hard. In all fairness to cat jugglers, I have never tried. I guess using the vague term hard is just my way of admitting that I do not know how to do it all. I do not know if I am enough (this is not a plea for you to enter comment upon comment telling me how great I am- although, by all means, do go ahead).
And this is where it gets so tricky. Because I want a life that outshines my capabilities. A life lived beyond the means of Matt. But I don’t want to struggle. I don’t want to face my own frailty. I fight like hell before throwing up my hands (middle fingers optional), facing down my own inadequacy and bowing my head to ask for help.
How pathetic. To want a life lived to the full, but to not accept nor desire in any way a life that endures inherent hardship.
I am striving to accept it all as it comes. It’s much better that way. It all comes regardless.
I have been most overwhelmed with the beauty of life when I have been most overwhelmed with life.
When the heat of life cranks up, I am tired, thirsty and seared.
But always upon deeper glance I see that it is not me that is burning; rather it is my idea of perfection.
God burns the ideal me in effigy and pours out His love on my insufficiency.
8,744 Comments
It’s a funny stage we’re in these days. I use we to refer to the arm-candy calling me hubbums (Ok, she has never actually called me that, but we can all agree she should). Candy & I are making it these days. I blogged a few days back about how the transition has been hard on the ole marriage….blah, blah & a bear pees in the woods. Of course it has been hard. In effect, we have had 3 children in three years and functionally they all live like 3 & unders do- which to the unschooled can basically be translated into the following:
- They are currently unable to meet pretty much every need or desire that crops up, and oh how they crop up, like a bountiful field of sunflowers- or like manure in a cow pasture- if you’re prone to a dark side.
- They actually are completely unaware that the world does not revolve around the mass that comprises their little miniature man & woman bodies.
- They are so beautifully innocent while simultaneously capable of exhibiting parades of selfishness and outbursts of atrocity- ones that leave you sifting through every long-lost relative, trying to finger point the black sheep whose DNA must have leaked into their gene pool.
- Somehow just a smile from one of these rascals is more than sufficient to overcome the frustration, and it leaves you only to wonder if someone could love you like you love them.
I use hard more more like math is hard or kind of like juggling cats is hard- or seems like something that would be hard. In all fairness to cat jugglers, I have never tried. I guess using the vague term hard is just my way of admitting that I do not know how to do it all. I do not know if I am enough (this is not a plea for you to enter comment upon comment telling me how great I am- although, by all means, do go ahead).
And this is where it gets so tricky. Because I want a life that outshines my capabilities. A life lived beyond the means of Matt. But I don’t want to struggle. I don’t want to face my own frailty. I fight like hell before throwing up my hands (middle fingers optional), facing down my own inadequacy and bowing my head to ask for help.
How pathetic. To want a life lived to the full, but to not accept nor desire in any way a life that endures inherent hardship.
I am striving to accept it all as it comes. It’s much better that way. It all comes regardless.
I have been most overwhelmed with the beauty of life when I have been most overwhelmed with life.
When the heat of life cranks up, I am tired, thirsty and seared.
But always upon deeper glance I see that it is not me that is burning; rather it is my idea of perfection.
God burns the ideal me in effigy and pours out His love on my insufficiency.
8,744 Comments
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on April 19, 2012 at 1:32 pm
This is exactly what I needed to hear today. I think you wrote it just for me. You barely know who I am, but somehow…
God is good, and very weird.
I dont know your exact struggles, nor do I understand what it is like to be in your situation. But I have my own stuff going on, and am struggling with being overwhelmed because I just wont freaking let go of the reigns in my life. Clearly God could handle my life much better than I can, but I just keep on trying, despite my knowledge that letting it go would be way better.
Prayers for you and your arm candy, and those little rascals.
Emily
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on April 19, 2012 at 2:32 pm
I love this, Matt. I have been thinking a lot lately about how being a parent is teaching me SO much more about my need for God and my own inadequacy than anything else in life ever has. It is scary and hard and such a relief. It seems that all the time I value more and more that He has already written victory over my head. I’m on my way.
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on April 20, 2012 at 10:05 am
after being married to the Newms long enough i now find myself thinking in his classic phrases…so, after reading this post what actually came to my mind was, “I hear ya cluckin big chicken”.
oh dear. but truly, self-expectations of seamless transitions get me everytime. i idolize the idea of responding as a heroine to every obstacle. thanks for a reminder that realizing our brokenness is actually all God wants for us.
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on April 20, 2012 at 5:25 pm
What a truth you have written…your words speak directly to my soul, and I too, want a full life lived beyond me, but I want it according to my ideals and without hardship. I swallowed hard as I read that it was your idea of perfection that was burning, not you. That speaks so directly to me.
Praying for you and your family….you reach more people than you know through your obedience to God.
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on April 20, 2012 at 9:59 pm
I always appreciate your posts; thanks for giving us insight into your journey! Praying for your family and so thankful for your example…more than you probably know! He is shining brightly through you both.
This is exactly what I needed to hear today. I think you wrote it just for me. You barely know who I am, but somehow…
God is good, and very weird.
I dont know your exact struggles, nor do I understand what it is like to be in your situation. But I have my own stuff going on, and am struggling with being overwhelmed because I just wont freaking let go of the reigns in my life. Clearly God could handle my life much better than I can, but I just keep on trying, despite my knowledge that letting it go would be way better.
Prayers for you and your arm candy, and those little rascals.
Emily
I love this, Matt. I have been thinking a lot lately about how being a parent is teaching me SO much more about my need for God and my own inadequacy than anything else in life ever has. It is scary and hard and such a relief. It seems that all the time I value more and more that He has already written victory over my head. I’m on my way.
after being married to the Newms long enough i now find myself thinking in his classic phrases…so, after reading this post what actually came to my mind was, “I hear ya cluckin big chicken”.
oh dear. but truly, self-expectations of seamless transitions get me everytime. i idolize the idea of responding as a heroine to every obstacle. thanks for a reminder that realizing our brokenness is actually all God wants for us.
What a truth you have written…your words speak directly to my soul, and I too, want a full life lived beyond me, but I want it according to my ideals and without hardship. I swallowed hard as I read that it was your idea of perfection that was burning, not you. That speaks so directly to me.
Praying for you and your family….you reach more people than you know through your obedience to God.
I always appreciate your posts; thanks for giving us insight into your journey! Praying for your family and so thankful for your example…more than you probably know! He is shining brightly through you both.