unraveling mystery

Ginny has managed to do a better job of updating the day-to-day on her blog.

We have now been in Kramatorsk, the region where Lena’s orphanage is located for three days.  We get to go and be with Lena in the orphanage for two 90-minute periods within each given day.  These times with her have been a balm for our parent hearts- the ones that spent the week before away from all of our children. Being with her, has grounded us in a focus, where before we felt untethered- waiting to be told what to do, where to go, what to sign.  We’re still doing all of those same things, but it is interspersed with getting to know this person that is getting to know us.

And she is quite a little girl.  There is so much mystery to unravel.  In fact, it is difficult sometimes to put aside Sherlock Holmes and just be her dad- take her in.  She has her little soothing habits and institutional-isms.  It is hard to distinguish what is due to her diagnosis- which is a riddle all its own- and what has been developed during 3.5 years of her current environment.

And it matters.  And it doesn’t matter at all.

Part of me is pushing to work with her, to un-do, to teach.  Starting now- and still much too late.  To begin the hard work of achieving miracles.  And they will come.  Though many will miss them, I will behold miracles because I am here, and I know where the starting line is located and I know where the route was headed.

Another part of me just wants to hold her and tell her that I am sorry for all that she has endured and I that I failed her, but will never do so again.  That she is loved.  She is perfect.  And we are headed to a home where everything changes.

I know this must seem strange and you just might feel compelled to counter-punch the last blow I landed on my failure.  But let it go.  I’m not going to come around no matter how rational you might be.

Adoption steps into the shoes- accepting responsibility retro-active and here forward.  I feel as though I am not becoming her father.  But that I have been her father and the world is just catching up.

Give me grace.  I am still in process with these thoughts, and if you feel a bit lost by now, I assure you, it is me.  There is so much to process over here- even in the things that have no deep, emotional ramifications- much less the ones that do.  I call it decision fatigue.  It takes like 14 decisions and communications just to find and go to the bathroom.

But in all of this, I am reminded of a love that knows no boundary.  That sought me out.  Of one who took on his shoulders all of the hurt, all of the pain.  Who brought me out, and promises to bring me to a home he has prepared for me.

Oh praise the one who paid my debt and raised this life up from the dead.

You may not have known it, but I am a miracle too.  For God has brought a self-centered, prideful, piece of crap over to Ukraine to shower this boundless love I received onto another.

I am the recipient.
I am the rescued.
I am the loved.
I am the adopted.