photo credit: gogoloopie
We made the decision last night that we will head to Michigan tomorrow for the week of the 4th. Remember that we thought we would be in Ukraine right now, so we really had not prepared a back-up plan to be out of our house- which we needed to be since the wall that separates what was the garage (and is now the addition) is coming down this week. Therefore, our house will be loud, dirty and hot. So, we’re joining Ginny’s family in Petoskey. A pretty good trade if you ask me.
We’re still awaiting a date to travel to Ukraine at any time and should have one within 20 business days of last Thursday. It is humbling indeed to be on the receiving end of such prayer and support. Thanks is not enough to those of you who have given in order that we can do what we know we must, but did not know how we would. You have served as a quiet miracle, while we, as an audience, watch our prayers pass from preposterous to possible. God uses us to do His earthly chores occasionally, and some of His best work takes a village.
Some part of me is constantly reminding another one to not get too excited- because allowing the heart into such matters is the shortest path to pain. At this point, when all it takes is an email to tell us that everything has changed. Or that it won’t be a soon departure date. Or, worse of all, that she is to be transferred. At times such as these, it is best to be a stoic. And I am, currently, somewhat surprisingly even-keeled.
I’ve got enough of a backlog of stressful events to know that I am typically due a few apologies at times such as these- just ask that gal at Children’s Hospital who crossed me on a stressful day; the one where we found that our yet-born Eliot had a serious diagnosis. It was an awkard couple of minutes for my wife, and I can’t be certain that the incompetent one did not call security, and I certainly could not fault her if she did.
But so far no stories. I appear calm, and so does Ginny. In fact, we’ve had to take stock as of late, asking what is wrong with us. It has been extremely stressful. Ever-changing and confusing. And don’t get me wrong, I reserve the right to go ninja on anyone who stands in the way.
But the truth is, I think this world has stolen a bit of my faith along life’s way- or at least some faith leaked out to make way as my soul filled with mourning. You see, I did not receive the very thing I prayed most for- more time with my son. And I have struggled to pray with matched fervor for anything since. That is until now, although it is admittedly different.
I no longer expect God to come through on my terms. I often wish I could return that state where I thought he would. But it’s a place of no return to those who leave.
So why am I at peace as this adoption lingers in ambiguity, and a life I long to hold is tethered so tightly to it? I am not quite sure. But I know this: I’ve told that voice that wants my heart to keep a distance to go fly a kite. I quit protecting my heart long ago. I’m all in. Because I know the best things in life rip your flesh and hurt like hell. So I would rather know pain in a full life than avoid it through a shallow one.
My only guess is that faith, somehow, found a way back in to where it left. Again, without warning or so much as a greeting. But I am sure glad it has come.
69 Comments
photo credit: gogoloopie
We made the decision last night that we will head to Michigan tomorrow for the week of the 4th. Remember that we thought we would be in Ukraine right now, so we really had not prepared a back-up plan to be out of our house- which we needed to be since the wall that separates what was the garage (and is now the addition) is coming down this week. Therefore, our house will be loud, dirty and hot. So, we’re joining Ginny’s family in Petoskey. A pretty good trade if you ask me.
We’re still awaiting a date to travel to Ukraine at any time and should have one within 20 business days of last Thursday. It is humbling indeed to be on the receiving end of such prayer and support. Thanks is not enough to those of you who have given in order that we can do what we know we must, but did not know how we would. You have served as a quiet miracle, while we, as an audience, watch our prayers pass from preposterous to possible. God uses us to do His earthly chores occasionally, and some of His best work takes a village.
Some part of me is constantly reminding another one to not get too excited- because allowing the heart into such matters is the shortest path to pain. At this point, when all it takes is an email to tell us that everything has changed. Or that it won’t be a soon departure date. Or, worse of all, that she is to be transferred. At times such as these, it is best to be a stoic. And I am, currently, somewhat surprisingly even-keeled.
I’ve got enough of a backlog of stressful events to know that I am typically due a few apologies at times such as these- just ask that gal at Children’s Hospital who crossed me on a stressful day; the one where we found that our yet-born Eliot had a serious diagnosis. It was an awkard couple of minutes for my wife, and I can’t be certain that the incompetent one did not call security, and I certainly could not fault her if she did.
But so far no stories. I appear calm, and so does Ginny. In fact, we’ve had to take stock as of late, asking what is wrong with us. It has been extremely stressful. Ever-changing and confusing. And don’t get me wrong, I reserve the right to go ninja on anyone who stands in the way.
But the truth is, I think this world has stolen a bit of my faith along life’s way- or at least some faith leaked out to make way as my soul filled with mourning. You see, I did not receive the very thing I prayed most for- more time with my son. And I have struggled to pray with matched fervor for anything since. That is until now, although it is admittedly different.
I no longer expect God to come through on my terms. I often wish I could return that state where I thought he would. But it’s a place of no return to those who leave.
So why am I at peace as this adoption lingers in ambiguity, and a life I long to hold is tethered so tightly to it? I am not quite sure. But I know this: I’ve told that voice that wants my heart to keep a distance to go fly a kite. I quit protecting my heart long ago. I’m all in. Because I know the best things in life rip your flesh and hurt like hell. So I would rather know pain in a full life than avoid it through a shallow one.
My only guess is that faith, somehow, found a way back in to where it left. Again, without warning or so much as a greeting. But I am sure glad it has come.
69 Comments
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on June 27, 2011 at 3:53 pm
tears. are. flowing.
whew.
so thankful for this amazing peace that only He can give.
and I think you guys have been okay because you know it is He that has called you down this road, it is He that is leading and will continue to lead you down this road, and it is He that will continue to reveal His plan in His time. and you do trust. because He has carried you through before, and you know He will again.
gosh, I love you guys.
and have a GREAT time in Petoskey! stay in touch.
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on June 27, 2011 at 4:01 pm
Joy, thanks for showing us the way.
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on June 27, 2011 at 4:20 pm
Precious, just precious. Matt and Ginny, thank you for allowing us to walk this journey with you. Enjoy time with the family in Michigan. Enjoy the peace that is in your hearts. Enjoy the moment you get the call to go get your girl. We are waiting with you and praying for you. Can’t wait to see her in your arms.
Love all 6 of you!
Carrie Uberecken
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carrie, thanks for your steady encouragement from afar.
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on June 27, 2011 at 9:53 pm
wow, good stuff.
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on June 29, 2011 at 6:52 pm
Amazing words Matt. You have brought me to tears once again with your raw, open, vulnerable, honesty. God does not always come thru the way we expect Him to and it does change us when He does answer our prayers the way we hoped. I hope it makes us stronger but somedays I am not entirely sure. It gives me an ache in my heart that I am sure can never be filled this side of heaven. Blessings on you and your ever expanding family. I am praying that God WILL make a way where there seems to be no way.
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thank you Kerry. appreciate your wisdom
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on July 5, 2011 at 3:30 pm
Thanks Matt….I appreciate so much what God has gifted you to put into words. Since becoming a parent, I have experienced the Lord (through loving pain) changing my faith into more of a “passionate yielding”. We continue to pray that as you and Ginny faithfully hold out your hands the Lord would fill them with sweet Lena very very soon.
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sorry, I erased the website part, and so I am not sure why the “last blog” thing popped up.
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it is automatic if you’ve commented before I think….I’m glad it did though, about to listen to Piper 🙂
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on July 5, 2011 at 9:32 pm
Matt- so thankful I stumbled here. My maiden name is Stowers- I believe you are friends with my sisters. I just wanted to say we are praying for you in Austin!
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thanks Jennie. we so appreciate that. what is your sisters name?
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on July 7, 2011 at 7:19 pm
Super gOod! I love the way you guys are so genuine and transparent.
tears. are. flowing.
whew.
so thankful for this amazing peace that only He can give.
and I think you guys have been okay because you know it is He that has called you down this road, it is He that is leading and will continue to lead you down this road, and it is He that will continue to reveal His plan in His time. and you do trust. because He has carried you through before, and you know He will again.
gosh, I love you guys.
and have a GREAT time in Petoskey! stay in touch.
Joy, thanks for showing us the way.
Precious, just precious. Matt and Ginny, thank you for allowing us to walk this journey with you. Enjoy time with the family in Michigan. Enjoy the peace that is in your hearts. Enjoy the moment you get the call to go get your girl. We are waiting with you and praying for you. Can’t wait to see her in your arms.
Love all 6 of you!
Carrie Uberecken
carrie, thanks for your steady encouragement from afar.
wow, good stuff.
Amazing words Matt. You have brought me to tears once again with your raw, open, vulnerable, honesty. God does not always come thru the way we expect Him to and it does change us when He does answer our prayers the way we hoped. I hope it makes us stronger but somedays I am not entirely sure. It gives me an ache in my heart that I am sure can never be filled this side of heaven. Blessings on you and your ever expanding family. I am praying that God WILL make a way where there seems to be no way.
thank you Kerry. appreciate your wisdom
Thanks Matt….I appreciate so much what God has gifted you to put into words. Since becoming a parent, I have experienced the Lord (through loving pain) changing my faith into more of a “passionate yielding”. We continue to pray that as you and Ginny faithfully hold out your hands the Lord would fill them with sweet Lena very very soon.
sorry, I erased the website part, and so I am not sure why the “last blog” thing popped up.
it is automatic if you’ve commented before I think….I’m glad it did though, about to listen to Piper 🙂
Matt- so thankful I stumbled here. My maiden name is Stowers- I believe you are friends with my sisters. I just wanted to say we are praying for you in Austin!
thanks Jennie. we so appreciate that. what is your sisters name?
Super gOod! I love the way you guys are so genuine and transparent.